Aw, hell no. You’re telling me I have to come up with ideas for this crap ad campaign? Well, fine. You want to stimulate your senses? Forget minty fresh make-out breath; with these flavors, you won’t be chewing anything anytime soon.
Rain®…a tingling spearmint: You’re standing at the exact center of Antarctica, stark naked. One of your legs is in the jaws of a ravening polar bear; your left arm has been claimed by frostbite and you’ve been forced to amputate it, à la 127 Hours. You’re now using it to cudgel a baby seal repeatedly. Mmm, bracing.
Flare®…a warming cinnamon: You’re Taylor Swift, and Kanye’s really happy for you, and he’s-a let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time! Lady Gaga whispers, wide-eyed and horrified, that they’re going to need to take you to the nearest burn center, or at least get you some aloe vera.
Elixir®…a mouthwatering berry: Nightshade berries. You chew it, you see your life flash before your eyes, you become as one with the cosmos, and then you die.
Vortex™… a juicy green apple: You just dropped your precious MacBook Air and it shatters into a million tiny, beautiful pieces on the pavement. “This is worse than reading text in Comic Sans!” you tweet in anguish. “#firstworldproblems,” you add, ironically.
Cobalt®…a cooling peppermint: You’re in the North Pole, in the midst of a steamy tryst with Mrs. Claus when suddenly Santa vaults himself through the window and lands, catlike, on his booted feet. “I’ll roast your nuts on an open fire, bub!” he snarls, and stabs you in the stomach with a sharpened candy cane.
Solstice™…a warm and cool winter: Climate change has warped the earth into a sad, twisted version of its former self. Storms grow increasingly severe, soaring rates of death and failing infrastructure incur massive costs, and you can practically see the sea level rising. There is no more ozone layer.
Isn’t that refreshing?
This piece appeared in the Fall 2012 issue of the University of Chicago Humor Magazine.